Five Stories of a Boring Life

The Stick in the Road

I must get healthy. Therefore, I must exercise. But the hot hot summer weather keeps me from brisk midday walks.

The solution, of course, is to walk in the evenings. That is what I did today. Only I didn’t get started until it was nearly dark. Oh well, what’s a little walk in the dark?

“Hmm, that’s a funny stick,” I said as I passed a long squiggly object lying in the middle of the road.

Then I realized it was a snake. Suddenly I was weak in the ankles and I power walked all the way home, jumping at every shadow and freaking out every time a shoelace touched my ankle.

I am never walking at night again.

The Diaries

I collect other people’s diaries. I find them at garage sales every so often. The people who write in these diaries have the most boring lives you could imagine. But I still like to read them.

Jenny told me that she can’t imagine reading someone else’s diary. It would feel so invasive. But I said that I hate the idea of a record of someone’s life getting thrown out, unappreciated, forgotten.

Then Mom told me that her dad, my grandpa, used to dumpster dive behind a bakery. Grandpa has always been an avid dumpster diver. This bakery would give him spoiled food for his pigs, but he would still go through their dumpster looking for more.

Sometimes the family that owned the bakery would throw their family garbage into the store dumpster. Grandpa would find diaries written by the bakery owner’s wife, and take them home for Grandma to read.

Grandma never would let Mom read them, or tell her what was written in them. She would only say, “ooh, I can’t believe she would write some of the stuff she does! It’s not even appropriate to tell your husband!”

I told mom that this has to go in her Mennonite novel.

Jumpy Cats

Have you ever sneaked up behind someone, and then grabbed them, causing them to “jump?”

This is not an appropriate thing to do to cats. Jenny tried it. She got very scratched up.

(This is a random internet cat, not the actual cat that Jenny scared.)

The Unexpectedly Popular Article

In case you don’t already know, I occasionally write articles for the website Ypulse. Ypulse explores what’s going on in generation Y. They have what they call a “Youth Advisory Board,” which I am a member of.

I had an idea for a while to do a blog post on the trends of today that are going to be mocked in 20 years. At the last minute I decided to turn it into a Ypulse article instead.

The article was titled “That’s So 2012: 10 Trends of Today That will be Mocked in 20 Years,” and it went up a week and a half ago.

Since then, the article has gotten 1,188 shares. Not views, but shares. 803 of them were on facebook, 47 of them on twitter, and the rest through other websites, thought I don’t know which ones specifically.

Of course in the grand scheme of viral things on the internet, 1000 shares isn’t that big of a deal. But it’s probably the most far-reaching internet article I’ve ever written. I mean, I once had a glitch where an inane post I did about snowflakes reached over 8,000 views because the image in the post popped up when people did google image searches for “snowflake,” but I’m not sure that counts, since they were just stealing the image and not actually reading the post. Besides that I only have two posts that ever exceeded 1000 views.

So yes, 1000+ shares makes this little writer quite giddy.

Dreaming of School

Unfortunately, as much as I love the warmth and sunshine of summer, my summers have always been quite boring. I guess there are trips to take and afternoons to swim, and people come visiting from hither and yon, but too much laziness fills the gaps between these events.

I am dreaming of school starting again. Of classes and homework and libraries and cafes and people everywhere. Of seeing free plays because I volunteer to usher, and making new friends, and drinking tea constantly, and walking past the Jehovah’s Witness table with their large sign declaring “HELL: not a place of suffering,” and looking to see who is arguing with them today.

Ah, September, I am waiting for you.

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3 responses to “Five Stories of a Boring Life

  1. Dear Emily,
    I love your way with words. Your comment about the Jehovah’s Witness table makes me laugh!
    Honestly, I’ve never seen a diary at a yard sale. Why would you sell or throw away an old diary? That seems weird to me. The fact that your grandma read the old diaries is hilarious!!!
    I have a jumpy cat named Spot. He’s eight years old, and you’d think he would have figured it out by now, but still, every time he walks past you, if you move your foot a fraction of an inch, he will jump up in the air, looking frightened, and then continues on his way.
    I’m going to go read your article now. I may even share it on Facebook 🙂

    Like

  2. Snakes enjoy laying on the road after sunset because asphalt soaks up heat during the day, and the snakes can stay nice and warm long after the sun hides for the night. The poor reptile was just trying to get comfortable when a woman came along and scared him half to death. Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them, after all.

    I once read some pages in a diary between my father and mother when they were engaged, but I was young and got grossed out when my mother told my father that she couldn’t wait to hear his sexy voice.

    I love sneaking up on people and scaring them. Most people respond in a fashion I expect, i.e. screaming and jumping. A few select people have lashed out and smacked me in the face, purely as a defensive reaction. Those instances have slightly dampened my desire to scare people.

    Like

    • I am just jealous that your parents let you read their diary. My mother wouldn’t let me touch her diary with a 12-ft pole. Maybe because I blog…

      Like

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