The Girl in the Red Rubber Boots

I need you on my side

—

by

Emily Sara Smucker
in

When people ask me how college is going, I say, “great!” It is a truth, but not all the truth. I love college. I love my classes. But I hate being alone.

I specifically chose a place to live where I would not be alone.

It backfired.

I didn’t immediately connect with my landlords or roommate. It was hard, because I didn’t know them at all when I moved in. And just when I felt like I was making inroads into connecting with my roommate, she began working 24 hours a day, five days a week, caring for an old man with Alzheimer’s.

Being alone is like a chilly gray day. It’s nice to make tea and curl up with a good book and listen to the silence while snuggled up in a blanket. But you need to do the dishes, or homework. The more you tell yourself to get up and do it, the more the coldness seeps into your bones, and you curl up into a tighter ball.

On Friday my landlords are leaving for Florida for the winter. I will be all alone.

I can’t get a cat.

I can’t get another roommate.

I could move. But heaven help us, where shall I move too?

Must I move again? Must I always move? Must there always be boxes?

No one is here to bail me out of this situation. I have to do it alone. But I can’t do it alone, because I am lonely.

I need you on  my side.

Please. I feel like every hardship breaks me, and only fragile bits of scotch tape holds me together. I am not a strong person. I can’t do this on my own. I need prayer, a phone call, an idea, something. I need you on my side.

❤

Comments

10 responses to “I need you on my side”

  1. Rai Avatar
    Rai

    {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} I’ve lived alone, far from family and remember the gut-wrenching pain of loneliness. I also remember how much I benefited from it. I am praying for you!

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  2. Rai Avatar
    Rai

    Just a thought – get up at the same time each day (the time you need to get up to get to campus for your earliest class) If you don’t have a class, go study in the library or some other “common area” Maybe even invest in eating lunch &/or supper in the cafeteria. Go home in time to go to bed.

    How about getting a guinea pig?

    p.s. it seems to me that you are a VERY strong person, no matter how it feels!

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  3. Naomi Avatar
    Naomi

    That sounds discouraging for sure. Getting involved in student organizations would be a good way to make a few friends. Then you can spend time with them when you want (and have them over when you want), but also time alone when you need it.

    You might need to try out a few organizations before you find one that feels “right,” but you would probably get fantastic writing material along the way!

    Rai makes some good suggestions above–sadly, you generally don’t find friends in class. I don’t know about you, but as I was growing up (Beachy), your social circle was largely determined by who happened to be around at the time (church/school). It was always a small enough group that friendships just kind of fell together on their own. Socializing in mainstream contexts takes a bit more extroversion; thirteen years later, I’m still trying to figure it out. 🙂

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  4. Mom Avatar
    Mom

    Your grandma is praying about this and you know God takes her seriously. Other people are too. Your dad and I are racking our brains and praying hard but we also believe in you, that you are stronger than you know and will take it a step at a time and get through this.

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  5. Mim Avatar
    Mim

    I don´t know y ou, but I can really identify what you are going through as far as being far away from my parents. As far as being friendless I have lots, but even then you sometimes feel alone. Sometimes though you just have to cry yourself to sleep, and also pray yourself to sleep. I hope you find a friend soon!!!

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  6. whisperedlonging Avatar
    whisperedlonging

    I’m praying.
    As always.
    P.s Watch your mail box.

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  7. Ciliyan Avatar
    Ciliyan

    You’ll be in my prayers. I can identify with this too! Not away from my parents, but away from family and friends.

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  8. PIerre Avatar
    PIerre

    Yes, Loneliness is so hard, but don’t despair.
    Try to go out and participate in student’s activity.
    Theater? singing? A student newspaper?
    I know it’s easy to say, I know first hand, but remember you have many friends, and readers. All over the world

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  9. Sheila Graber Avatar
    Sheila Graber

    Emily! I saw this post and sent it on to my lil sis who lives in B’water. Her name is Claudia and she has net you before-she would love to have your phone number or email so she could conect with you.–You can send me an email and I’ll get you her info instead of putting it here for all to see. Praying for you.

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  10. PJ Avatar
    PJ

    I have successfully used the following suggestions when I have found myself alone and unhappy about it. 1. I plan something at least once a week to look forward to. It could be tea with a friend, a class to learn a new hobby, a club meeting or fun church activity. It must get me out of the house and it must be fun enough that it makes me happy when I think about it coming up. 2. Spend time with someone under the age of eight. Babysit and get paid for the opportunity to see the world through fresh eyes. Being silly with a child is a great mood booster. A few verses of “The Wheels on the Bus” is sure to bring a smile. 3. Exercise. Regular exercise has been show to be almost as effective for depression as medication. Walking through your own neighborhood is a great way to get to know your neighbors. I’m sure there are many of your fellow students that would love to have a smart, funny, imaginative friend. Please keep looking.

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