I seem to bounce back and forth. One minute I’m happy happy happy, my family is so cool, my cousins are so awesome. And the next minute I’m grumpy, and getting nothing done, and seriously will I ever get done with my schoolwork?
Perhaps I’m bipolar.
Everyone asks, “are you going to move back to Oregon? Get over you mold allergy? Come back?” And I don’t even want to think about it.
I have moved four times in the past little over a year. And true, one of those moves was just across the hall from one bedroom into another, but it involved boxing up all my stuff, transporting it, and unpacking. I am sick of that process.
Oh here’s another thing. I have been obsessing about my book in abnormal amounts. For a while there I was getting all these emails, “schedule for the web show” or “can you tell me where you went to high school? Sorry about all these emails, but HCI is really promoting this series!”
And then, after a little while, there were no more emails.
Suddenly it wasn’t enough to have my book at Barnes & Nobel. I never really thought it was possible for B&N to not be enough, but it was. I googled myself and googled the book series, trying and trying to uncover something new and exciting to feed my hunger.
“This is so pathetic,” I thought. “How selfish am I? Am I going to be less satisfied the more I have?”
Well then of course the still small voice came in, saying, “Emily! Are you forgetting that you gave your book to me?”
Duh. Duh duh duh.
Because I did. Give it to God I mean. Several times, actually.
At first it was just when I was writing it. And though I said I was giving it to Him to do with as He willed, I was pretty much just saying it. At that point, I really didn’t need to give up anything.
But then I read the whole thing for the first time and boy was it dumb! I just thought it was the dumbest thing ever, and no one would want to read it.
That’s when I realized, duh! I had given it to God! It wasn’t mine to obsess about. So I gave it to him again. “God, whether or not I think this is stupid, this is your book. Do with it what you will.”
Smart, right? It worked like a charm, all anxiety gone…until I read my book again. Third time I read my book, same thing. It is only now that I can read my book and like it. So I fully gave it to God and stopped obsessing about it, right?
So, so wrong.
Do we ever learn?
On the bright side, once I gave it up again, there went my anxiety. You’d think with results like that it’d be easy to give things up.
Funny how hard we hold on to things, really.
And I got re-tested for my allergies today. Which is why my arm hurts. All of the sudden my blood stopped flowing into the little blood container, so they had to poke around till it started again. Ouch ouch ouch.
It’s not really your fault.