When I moved to Redmond, and then to Colorado, all I could think was, “must get better…must get better…must beat my sickness…” But of course in the back of my mind there questions like…
“You’re really going to leave your home…forever?”
“What about your friends?”
“Everything you know and feel comfortable with?”
But I didn’t really know how to deal with those questions so I just sort of ignored them. Being well was, of course, the most important thing. And having adventure.
Plus, I would make new friends, I was quite certain. Not that they would ever replace the old ones, but at least I would have friends.
It is interesting though. Because I am beginning to realize that hanging out with new friends is a totally different dynamic than hanging out with old friends.
It began when I started noticing how uncomfortable and unsure of myself I was when hanging out with my new friends. I had always prided myself on how comfortable I was in my own skin. So why on earth was I second guessing every single blessed thing I said?
But back home, I realized, if I said something dumb it really didn’t matter that much. Everyone knew me inside and out. We grew up together. If I acted bratty or something, everyone would be like, “Ok, Emily’s having a bad day.” But their core opinion of me wouldn’t change.
But here, no one really knows me that well. So it feels like I have to really watch what I say, because if I say something dumb, there goes my reputation.
Perhaps it’s not that cut and dried, but that’s how it feels.
Similarly, I really don’t know the people out here that well. My opinions of them can change very quickly, based on small things. But I would never change my opinion of a friend back home that quick.
And you know, perhaps it’s good for me. Perhaps I’ll end up with the ability to be confident and secure in all situations, or most situations at least. Perhaps I’ll learn to not really judge people until I get to know them.
But right now it’s a little bit difficult.