Tag Archives: The Famous Nobodies

The Famous Nobodies: Esta Miller

Hello folks. Today we have the last installment of The Famous Nobodies. I have no idea why it took me so long to post this. Maybe because I was too busy watching youtube videos about bacon.

Past episodes of The Famous Nobodies:

Sir Shawn Barry Graber IV, Junior, Esquire

Verlyn Clark Glenn

Today we are interviewing the one, the only, Esta Miller! Lets begin.

Emily Smucker: What is your full name?

Esta Faye Miller: Esta Faye Miller. I love my name.

ES: How many years have you roamed the earth?

EFM: 22, or 23 if you count when Mom roamed the earth with me inside her.

ES: What was a recent awkward moment you found yourself in?

EFM: Oh my. So many. But all to scandalous for the public readership. Remember, I work at a public health clinic. *The rest of this paragraph has been removed due to its mature content*

ES: Who do you Facebook stalk and secretly wish you could meet?

EFM: Hm, I don’t spend much time stalking people on Facebook.

Fur real? What is happening to the youth of America? I have asked this question in all three interviews and have not gotten one scandalous answer. Perhaps I should write a blog post about all the people I Facebook stalk and secretly wish I could meet.

Just a random picture to remind you all of why you should be stalking Esta on Facebook.

ES: What was the most interesting dream you ever had?

EFM: Oh my. There was the one I had when I was 8 in which I dreamed I burned the house down with a tea bag. Or the one when I got drunk in Ireland and did bad things and my friend Deron had to come over from the States and rescue my reputation, wearing his straw cowboy hat. Or the one where I kissed my (then) ex-boyfriend and he got so furious because we were supposed to be respectable Mennonites and follow “I kissed Dating Goodbye.”

Esta and her (then) ex-boyfriend who she kissed in the dream. Her (then) ex-boyfriend is now her (now) (again) boyfriend. Just a random tip for interviewers– the times are constantly changing. Be sure to post interviews as soon as you get them, instead of watching bacon videos, because celebrities are always breaking up and getting back together.

ES: Do you own a purple shirt with Justin Bieber’s face on it?

EFM: I do. It is glittery and very tight and has Justin B’s face surrounded by a heart.

I see where this is going…

ES: If I gave you an elephant where would you hide it?

EFM: I wouldn’t. I would take it back to Africa and let it go free, cause people would make a documentary about me and maybe give me the nobel peace prize.

ES: All those fraud cases against your brother, are they true?

EFM: Probably. Right now he is hiking through Mexico to Belize, so they must be. But the one about him lip locking with Janessa Tice in the EBI library is totally false. ( You are welcome, Jon)

ES: Do you have any good fashion/style tips for my readers?

EFM: If you find something you like, but can’t wear for conscience sake, and it is under $5, buy it for your honeymoon (my mom taught me that one). Also, burn anything trendy in your closet.

ES: What was your lucky break?

EFM: Honestly? That Jesus didn’t let me get away with pretending I didn’t have any problems. I’m so much happier now that I admit I have lots.

Also, that my profs never caught on how little I really knew.

ES: What keeps you awake at night?

EFM: Emergency medical calls.  Parties.  Guarding at the jail. Eating too much mac and cheese. Worries about being a bad kisser.

A picture of Esta eating. Just because. Is that bacon in the sandwich?

ES: What was a long-ago awkward moment you found yourself in?

EFM: When my slip fell off in a crowded subway station and got caught up in my trendy heels and I stood for some time trying to untangle it while a bunch of people laughed at me.

ES: What kind of people do you dislike?

EFM: People who think they have all the answers. People who are prejudice and ignorant. People who chase trends and popularity and totally miss life. People who like Nickelback.

ES: If you had to have on inanimate object attached to your hand for a month, what would it be?

EFM: My tea mug. For sure.

Looks like you have that object attached to both hands, my dear.

ES: Give a good closing-worthy piece of advice.

EFM: Don’t run away from brokenness–whether it in others, yourself, or the world. You will miss lots of stories, joy, and awkward moments.

And eat lots of garlic while you are single.

That concludes my interview with Esta Miller, and my three-part series called “The Famous Nobodies.” Coming soon:

People I Facebook Stalk and Secretly Wish I could Meet (Maybe)

Guest Post: Life in Thailand (By my crazy-awesome sister Jenny)

The Famous Nobodies: Shawn Graber

As I noted two days ago, I have begun a series of “celebrity interviews” with people who aren’t actually celebrities but like to pretend to be.

(For the first Episode of The Famous Nobodies, click here.)

Today I am interviewing a young man by the name of Shawn. Grab your tea and popcorn, and lets get started!

Emily Smucker: What is your full name?

Sir Shawn Barry Graber IV Jr. Esquire: My full name is Sir Shawn Barry Graber IV, Junior, Esquire. Just kidding. It’s Shawn Barry Graber.

ES: What is your age?

SBG: My age is 22.

ES: What is your official job title?

SBG: I’m the Office Manager at Graber Heating and Air Conditioning, Inc.

Mr. Graber, in the uniform that made him famous.

ES: What is your unofficial job title?

SBG: I’m also an HVAC apprentice, secretary, accountant, deliveryman, babysitter, and janitor. If I were to give myself an unofficial title, it would be Sir Myriad. For obvious reasons.

HVAC stands for Highly Volatile Aspiring Chef. In case you didn’t know.

Shawn during one of his HVAC apprenticeship sessions.

ES: What is the most dangerous and/or illegal thing you have ever done?

SBG: I like to drive my car with my head sticking out of the sunroof. I’m tall enough that I can still reach the accelerator. And the brakes, too. I never drive very fast this way, because if I were to get rear-ended, it would most likely chop my head off. As for the other illegal things…we’ll just have to talk off-the-record sometime.

Obviously if there is someone behind you and you are afraid of getting rear-ended, the solution is to slow down.

ES: If you could re-do any event in your life, what would it be and why?

SBG: If this question was posed by Shelby, I would totally go back in time and not kick him in the head.

Which is funny only because Shawn’s brother Shelby is in Oregon right now, and suggested some interview questions. And yes, in case you were wondering, the whole family has names that start with “Sh.” I think it’s one of those celebrity attention stunts…

ES: Why do people climb mountains?

SBG: Since this article is all about me, I’ll change the question to “Why have you climbed mountains, Shawn?” And the answer is, “Because a whole pile of people wanted to do it and I went along for the ride.” Most of the mountains I ascend have handy ski-lifts installed on them.

ES: If I gave you three bucks to spend at the dollar store, what would you buy?

SBG: I don’t think I’ve ever been to a “Dollar Store.”

Are you KIDDING me? Never been do a DOLLAR store? That’s like saying you’ve never eaten a hotdog. Or never ridden a bicycle. Or never looked directly at the sun just because someone told you not to.

Let me introduce you, Mr. Culturally-Deprived Celebrity, to the wonders of the Dollar Store. In song form, obviously.

ES: Tell me one thing about yourself you wouldn’t want me to know.

SBG: There is a mole on my chest that has recently changed from an endearing light brown color to a scary, not-so-endearing red color. I’m sorta worried about it, and I should probably have it checked since I’ve read about moles and if they change size, color, texture, location, hair density, itchiness, etc, I am to notify a doctor or physician STRAIGHT AWAY. (I hope you’re happy, Ms. Smucker. You have brought this dreadful information upon yourself.)

ES: Do you like tea parties if they are manly enough?

SBG: BRING ON THE TEA! I’d totally dig a tea party. I like to dress up if what I’m dressing in cannot be described as “delicate” or “frilly”.

Yes, I will admit, that answer restored my faith in humanity. Much more so than the mole comment. Shudder.

ES: Who is someone that you Facebook stalk and wish you could meet?

SBG: There’s a dude named Dan McClanahan that I would love to meet. Him and his wife are photographers and they do excellent work, while also being the funniest couple alive.

I bet you were hoping I stalk GIRLS and want to meet them in real life. I am sorry to disappoint you.

Yep, pretty excellent work. They make newly-engaged couples look like bicycle-riding crime-fighting duos. If that isn’t “excellent work” I don’t know what is.

As for the rest of Mr. Graber’s comments on the subject…I have no comments on the subject

ES: What is the weirdest food that you love?

SBG: My roommate has gotten me hooked on barbecue bacon, which is simple and delicious. Pour barbecue sauce on bacon as you fry it. The slimy, greasy awesomeness that results is most likely a one-way-ticket to heaven. So, win-win. Or, lose-win-win, the “lose” part being that I’m now really hungry thanks to you, and there’s no bacon within reach of my seat.

Shawn with a pan of barbecue bacon. If you wonder what the angry face is all about, remember, his HVAC training requires him to be highly volatile.

ES: What do you want written on your tombstone?

SBG: “There was an old geezer from Perth
Who was born on the day of his birth
He was married, they say
On his wife’s wedding day
And he died when he quitted this earth.”

ES: Describe the worst first date you can imagine.

SBG: Going into a diabetic coma during the date would be pretty horrible. The quickest way to revive someone that has collapsed into a diabetic coma is to administer a giant dose of glucagon by injection into the buttocks. Now, the needle is large enough it can be injected THROUGH clothing but I don’t wish to have a girl I hardly know inject glucagon into my rear.

ES: In closing, give a nice closing-worthy piece of advice.

SBG: There are some people that go through life asking “Why?” when various situations come up. If you look at situations and say “Why not!” instead, you’ll find yourself getting a lot more excitement and a lot more trouble in your life.

That concludes my interview with the famous Sir Shawn Barry Graber IV, Junior, Esquire. I have one more episode of The Famous Nobodies scheduled for publication, which will hopefully appear within a few days, and after that, we will see.