My Ideals for a Man


I asked Instagram for help with blog post ideas, and someone suggested that I write about my ideals for a man. Hmmmmmmm……

Here are my thoughts.

Thought #1: Isn’t it funny how your ideals change as you get older? 

Like, in my teens and early 20s I was into the interesting guys. You know, the super-extroverted guys who’d wear unique clothes and coin their own catchphrases and stuff. A number of these guys darted in and out of my life, but one time, one of them stayed long enough for me to actually get to know him.

And it turned out he was really boring, on the inside.

Every remotely interesting thought was aired to the world, and there was nothing deeper. So he’d start repeating his interesting thoughts, and they were less interesting the second time around.

After that I was into mysterious introverts. I thought there must be so many interesting thoughts boiling away inside their heads, and if only they would share them with me, how enchanting that would be!

But then I became friends with a mysterious introvert, and when I did hear his thoughts, some of them were pretty illogical.

Nowadays, I think my “type” is guys I can easily converse with on a number of topics. Guys who have thoughts to contribute, but also want to hear my thoughts.

(ETA: I hope this doesn’t come across like I’m mocking the guys I used to like. To be honest, there wasn’t anything really wrong with them, they just had the audacity to not be the person I imagined them to be, LOL.)

Thought #2: Ideals also change for really arbitrary reasons

I read in a book once (I think it was Marry Him, by Lori Gottlieb) that people’s “ideals” totally shift around based on who they’re crushing on at the moment. Like, researchers would ask a group of women what their ideals were, and they’d list them out. Then these women would meet a bunch of guys. (I think this was a speed dating scenario.) Afterwords, they’d talk about their ideals again. Only if the guy they vibed with was, like, really ambitious, suddenly they’d go on about how much they liked ambitious guys, even if that was never on their original list.

This is totally true in my experience. If I’m crushing on a guy who’s a “thinker” on the Myers-Briggs, I’ll be convinced that it’s only thinkers for me. Who needs all that extra emotion in life?

And then if I get over him and fall for a “feeler,” I’ll start to think I do need a feeler in my life, to balance me out. How will we sort through conflict if no one in the relationship is truly in touch with their emotions?

Thought #3: I just want to marry a guy like….

If you think I’m gonna say “Mr Darcy,” you’re wrong. I’m not sure Mr Darcy and I would be compatible. He doesn’t have much of a sense of humor.

Instead, my ideal guy is Mr Knightly, from Emma. Here’s why:

  1. His and Emma’s relationship is based on a really good friendship, and I just think that sounds like fun.
  2. He values Emma for what she brings to the world, but he also sees how she could be better. And he calls her out on it.
  3. He’s super kind and respectful to all women, not just the women he fancies. I mean, his treatment of Harriet at the ball was just…*swoon*

Thought #4: If I can’t have Mr Knightly, I just want a guy who I’m compatible with

When I was younger, I didn’t think much about compatibility, honestly. So I think I’m pretty lucky that I didn’t marry young. I could have ended up with a guy who wanted me to be chill, when I wanted to be ambitious. Or a guy who wanted to use a gun to defend our home, when I wanted to be nonresistant. Or a guy who wanted to live quietly and not really have a mission.

When it comes to values…when it comes to what we want out of life…when it comes to theology…I don’t have a checklist. But it’s important to me that my man and I are in the same ballpark on this stuff. That we can discuss it and move forward together.

Thought #5: Actually, I do have a couple specific things I want

  1. I think it would be tough for me to be with a guy who takes himself too seriously. I think life is funny.
  2. I’d like to be with someone who believes in me. 

Unlike the “feeler” vs “thinker” thing, these two seem to remain constant no matter who I’m into at the moment.

Welp, there’s my list. What do you think? Am I too picky? Not picky enough? What are your ideals for a significant other?

8 responses to “My Ideals for a Man

  1. Your two specifics under Thought #5 are spot on! I chose my wife, a month after I turned 18!! I think the big drawing card, was that she was a communicator! She was someone who you didn’t have to wonder what she was thinking! Now we have been married 50 years! We seemed to “click!” We are totally opposites, but somehow we have navigated the waters successfully! 🙂 Interestingly enough, I am from “Venus,” and she is from “Mars!” Also, she is the “Lion,” and I am the “Golden Retriever!” We are now enjoying the “Golden Years!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re a smart girl. Good head on your shoulders. You are spot on about being friends first. That has been my favorite part of my marriage.
    As nice as it’d be to have it so simple, there’s not just one ‘right one’- anyone can become that one. Once the committment is there, you spend a lifetime becoming the right ones for each other.
    Mr. Knightley is a good model- I just wish we could see he and Emma 10, 15 years later! How do the responsibilties of wife and family change him? That is impossible to know ahead of time, but I recommend noting how a prospective suitor talks about and treats children, his parents and family, employer and co-workers, etc.
    Eleven years into marriage myself, and some of those changes in my man have been sweet, some frustrating, but I don’t regret my choice. (we have a pretty good Emma + Mr. K situation- my husband is 18 yrs my senior!)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I like number 5! That’s exactly how I want my husband to be! And I hope I’m like that too:)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Mr Knightly? Mr. Tilney is the best Austen male lead. All the others are boring. You need to find your Mr. Tilney.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Agreed on #3. I’m not sure why Mr. Darcy is the most popular male Jane Austen character, because Mr. Knightly and Mr. Tilney are vastly preferable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think it’s because Lizzy Bennett is one of the most relatable Jane Austen heroines tbh. Jane is too goody-two-shoes, Emma is too rich girl, Maryanne too flighty, Elinor too practical, Fanny too docile, and everyone forgets about Catherine and Anne (obviously a vast oversimplification and no hate to any of these heroines cause they’re awesome). But I think Lizzy, with having both the emotional side and the practical side makes her appeal to a wider audience. Her fiestiness also makes everyone go “yay, girl power.” So I think the widespread love for Mr. Darcy is just the age old tale of people loving touching and relatable romance. Also Colin Firth isn’t bad on the eyes.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I definitely agree with you. Your ideals really DO change!


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