Note: This piece was originally published on my Patreon last May. To celebrate my 1 year anniversary on the platform, I decided to dig into the archives and share one of my posts on my regular blog.Ā
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Confession: I missed out on a lot of Christian Purity Culture because I found it so mind-numbingly boring. But in the last 24 hours Iāve fallen down the rabbit hole so to speak.
Iām writing a play about the life of Ruth. Writing a play is a great way to really dive into Scripture, because you have to get to the root of what people were actually saying, putting it into as simple language as possible. I giggled and giggled to myself, because Ruth legit just asked Boaz to marry her.
āWouldnāt it be funny,ā I posted on Facebook, āif there was a Christian dating advice book based on the story of Ruth? Ladies, find a rich guy, sneak up to him while he’s sleeping, and ask him to marry you.ā
Well, it turns out that I really am out of the loop on the world of Christian dating advice books. Because there are plenty, my Facebook friends informed me. Books with titles likeā¦
- Lady in Waiting: Becoming Godās best while waiting for Mr. Right
- Boaz, the Promise and the Wait
- Lord, is Boaz lost? Or am I just in the wrong field?
- She was waiting on Boaz and lost a real man
- Your Boaz will come
- How to be found by the man youāve been looking for
And I donāt know, maybe thereās some good advice in those books. But Iām weirded out by all the references to āwaiting,ā and to Boaz ācoming.ā BECAUSE THATāS NOT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE STORY OF RUTH.
My roommate had Lady in Waiting on her bookshelf, so I read it…and by āreadā I mean āskimmedā because I still find it boring…and wow. Okay.
Lady in Waiting is based on an idea: If you just āwait,ā not chasing after a boy at all, not going to Bible College or whatever just because there are eligible guys there…if you focus on following God instead…if you stay a virgin…ta da! The perfect man will just…appear. God will bring him along, and somehow, magically, youāll be all married and stuff.
And look, I can see how that sentiment might be useful for teenage girls. They have plenty of time. Focusing on their spiritual life instead of their romantic life, learning to wait on the Lord, thatās solid. My primary beef with the book is this dubious connection to the life of Ruth.
Like, there was a whole chapter dedicated to the importance of remaining a virgin until youāre married. Is this a Biblical concept? Sure. So just use plain Scripture to back up your point. Donāt use the story of Ruth. Because Ruth was not a virgin when she married Boaz. Why would you go on and on about how special it is to save this one special gift for your husband, and then base your argument entirely on a romantic story where Ruthās āspecial giftā was gone?Ā
Yes, Iām irritated.
Moving on. Can we get good romantic advice from the life of Ruth? I think we can. Here are five ACTUAL romantic lessons Iāve gleaned (hee hee, see what I did there?) from Ruth.
1. Itās okay, even good, to get married for practical reasons.
I think itās fair to say that Ruth and Boaz were genuinely, madly in love with each other. Itās not stated in Scripture, but itās implied in the way Ruth gushes about how kind Boaz is, and Boaz enthusiastically agrees to marry Ruth and then rushes off early in the morning to get things settled with his relative who technically has āfirst dibs.ā
But Scripture makes it very clear that their romance was about practicality.
First, from a survival standpoint. The only way for Ruth and Naomi to not starve was for Ruth to work, dawn until dusk, picking up random bits of grain that the harvesters had left behind. It was heavily implied that Ruth was in grave danger of being raped while gleaning. Boaz says āI have told the men not to touch you,ā in Ruth 2:9, and later, when Ruth tells Naomi about Boazās kindness, Naomi says, āIt will be good for you, my daughter, to go with his girls, because in someone elseās field you might be harmedā (Ruth 2:22).
So basically, singleness for Ruth was not a time of patiently waiting, finding fulfillment in God instead of a husband. It was a time when she was, except for the kindness of Boaz, in daily danger of rape and starvation.
Second, while Naomi implies in Ruth 1:8-13 that Ruth will have difficulty finding a husband in Israel, Boaz implies in Ruth 3:10 that Ruth could easily marry a younger, perhaps handsomer, man than himself. āYou have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor,ā he says.
Lady in Waiting uses that statement as proof that Ruth didnāt āchase boys,ā even though sheād literally just asked Boaz to marry her, LOL. From context, though, it appears that Boaz is complimenting her on choosing a practical husband, one who could provide for her and be her kinsman redeemer, instead of just going for a hot guy.
And obviously, the times are much different now than they were in Ruthās day. Singleness does not mean rape and starvation anymore, thank God.
But there are still tons of practical reasons to get married. Companionship, sexual satisfaction, children…I mean, maybe you donāt think you need children, but whoās going to take care of you when youāre old?
Ruth needed a husband for practical reason, so she found a practical solution. Why shouldnāt we do the same? If you need a job, or a car, or a tooth pulled, you donāt just sit around āwaiting,ā hoping it will magically happen to you. You make an effort to overcome the obstacles in your way.
(Added caveat, since this is my real blog where people still frequently misunderstand me: of course I think you should be in love with the person you’re going to marry. Obviously. I’m just saying, we should’t be ashamed to admit that we want marriage for practical reasons too, and we shouldn’t be ashamed to look for practical solutions.)
2. Be a person of character. Seek a person of character to marry.
Lady in Waiting talked a lot about being a woman of character, like Ruth. I think this is solid. Boazās comment about Ruth choosing him instead of the younger men makes me think that he probably thought Ruth was very pretty, able to snag a hotter guy if she wished. But he mostly admires her character. When he first meets her he praises her kindness to Naomi (Ruth 2:11), and when he agrees to marry her, he says, āall my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of characterā (Ruth 3:11).
But it irritated me that Lady in Waiting implied that if only you did everything right, you would end up with your āprince.ā āWhen you picture the perfect man for you, what is your prince like?ā The book asks on page 56. āTo marry a prince, you must first become a princess.ā
Who says we get to marry a āprince?ā Boaz was no āprince.ā He had good character, sure. He was able to provide, and he was very kind. But his comment on āyounger menā makes it sound like he wasnāt the youngest or hottest man available.
Ultimately, just as he chose Ruth because of her character, Ruth also chose him because of his character and usefulness. This idea of waiting for your āprinceā is kinda weird, not Scriptural, and certainly not practical.
3. Let others meddle in your love life
An enormous aspect of the story of Ruth that we usually brush over is the way that Naomi meddled.Ā
I mean, sure, Ruth did some pretty brazen things like spend the night with Boaz (innocently) and ask him to marry her. But it was 100% Naomiās idea.
After my first point, where I argued that we should think more practically about marriage and not be afraid to āmake something happen,ā you probably wondered, āDoes Emily think that girls should ask guys out? What is she really saying here?ā
What Iām really saying is that I think we should let others meddle in our love lives.
And parents, married people, concerned aunts, I think you should meddle. Set people up on blind dates. Invite single people to your parties so they can all hang out and get to know each other. Chatter with your married friends about the single people they know that might be good matches for the single people you know.
I mean, obviously if the single person expresses discomfort, back off. But I just think itās weird that our culture is all about single people, on their own, with no help whatsoever from meddlers, finding their perfect match. I guess itās because the USA is the most individualistic culture in the world. But itās honestly not that practical.
4. Your spiritual life is more important than your love life
This point, central to Lady in Waiting, is actually true. And it actually can be backed up by the story of Ruth.
Like I said before, itās a little hard to say how many marriage options Ruth actually had in Israel. Naomi implies that the options are limited, while Boaz implies that Ruth could have married a younger man than himself.
However, itās clear that whatever Ruthās options were in Israel, they were worse than her options in Moab. Naomiās motive for sending Ruth home was all about the provision and protection sheād have there. āMay the Lord grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband,ā she says (Ruth 1:9).
Instead, Ruth chose God. āYour people will be my people, and your God my God,ā she says in Ruth 1:16.
She chose God, even though it put her in danger of starvation and rape. And I think that is extremely powerful.
5. Itās okay if your love story is weird and unconventional.
This right here is why I ultimately love the story of Ruth and Boaz.
Lady in Waiting tries to skew Ruthās unusual courtship method as a common practice of the day, hardly worth noting. Heh. I find that unlikely.
I mean, come on. Itās just so weird. There are no other courtship stories like it in Scripture.
Furthermore, the book of Ruth implies that Ruth was in a very unfortunate, sad situation, because she did not have a man to advocate for her. Not only did she lose her husband, but she lost all the men in her husbandās family, and she left her own brothers and father behind in Moab.
You could use the story of Ruth to argue that women should chase men, and ask them out, or even ask them to marry them. You could, alternatively, argue that Ruth only dared to do such a thing because she had no man in her life to find a husband for her.
But I think the most obvious takeaway is that romance can happen in very strange ways. There is no perfect cookie-cutter formula to finding a mate.
And that, I think, is what annoys me most about books like Ladies in Waiting. They imply that if you just do everything according to their foolproof plan, everything will turn out okay for you. And then they stretch and pinch the bizarrely beautiful romance of Ruth, trying to make it fit into the perfect mold theyāve created.
Thatās not the point.
The point is that things go wrong, but Godās redemption is still there. Romance is bizarre, but we work with what weāve got. There are countless ways you might end up with a kind husband or wife who is a good, practical match for you.
And will it involve sneaking up to them in the middle of the night and asking them to marry you?
Well, who knows?
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In April 2019 I launched my Patreon, and it has been the most amazing, wonderful experience for me. Much, much more so than I could ever have imagined.
First, because that extra bit of income every month, though small, is steady. Most of my writer income is extremely unsteady, so having one thing I can count on is a blessing. In one year I’ve been able, while charging only $1 a month, to earn enough to buy a camera to make YouTube videos with, pay for my domain name, buy and ship some fun giveaway items, and pay for other odds and ends related to this blog.
But more importantly, my Patreon has allowed me to grow as a writer. At first I was only posting opinionated pieces. But then one month I posted an extremely vulnerable essay I’d written about a friend who’d cut me out of her life. I ended up taking that one down, because it was just tooĀ personal, but it started me on a path of experimenting with openness and vulnerability in my writing.
My Patreon supporters don’t always agree with me, which is good and healthy, but I’ve never felt misunderstood by them. What a gift. And their response to my vulnerable writing was so encouraging that it fundamentally changed how I wrote my book, and even how I process my life. They made me feel like my feelings matter, and that meant everything to me.
All I’m saying is, it’s been a good year, and I’m so grateful.
Up until now, my Patreon has been like the parable of the workers in the vineyard. Every post I’d ever written was available, so someone who signed up in March got the same content as someone who’d been signed up from the beginning. But I’m going to start taking posts down once they’ve been up for a year. So on Thursday, I’m going to take down my first post, Is Toxic Masculinity a Thing?Ā And on May 13 I’m going to take downĀ How Mennonites Set Women Up to Reject the Head Covering.Ā Etc. You get the picture. (If you want to subscribe to my Patreon, you can do so by clicking here.)
And lastly, April is drawing to a close, and with it, the April Blogging Challenge is ending! Mom will post tomorrow, I’ll post on Wednesday (probably with another video) and Mom will close the month with a post on Thursday. Thank you so much for following along, and be sure to hop over to Mom’s blog and catch up on all her posts that you might have missed!
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