I always want to write about hard times on my blog. It helps me to get through it. But suddenly there are hard times on my plate that I don’t know how to write about. I don’t know who to paint in a positive light and who to paint in a negative light. These are hard times that make me question who I am, and if I am the person I always thought I was.
But. I am in a new room now. I am here for ten days or so until I fly to Oregon where I will probably get sick. Oh well.
I don’t know what will happen after that. I don’t know if I will be able to come back to Bridgewater College next fall.
This is what you should know about me: Sometimes I have mental breakdowns. A moment when I am so overcome with grief and emotion that I am incapable of making a rational decision. (In all honesty, it reminds me of being thirteen again.)
This has resulted in me:
-Okay, pretty much just skipping classes. It’s not like it happens a lot.
-But one time, the second-worst one I ever had, I slept in my car in a parking lot of the chapel at school until 3:00 in the morning.
-The worst was yesterday. But my sister was with me. So I survived and didn’t do anything terrible.
I called Esta on the phone, and this is what I told her.
You know those peanut butter m&m’s, that have the candy coating on the outside and the peanut butter on the inside? That’s what I feel like. Only instead of peanut butter inside I have mud. People like to be around me, because they like my candy coating, but when I live with them for a while the candy coating wears off and all they taste is the mud.
(By mud, I basically mean that I have mental breakdowns, I get depressed, and I have trouble being as mature as I feel a regular 20-year-old should be.)
Esta said to me….
Emily, you do have a candy coating. You do have a layer of muck under that. But underneith the muck is the real Emily. That is the Emily who writes books and makes hard decisions. If people reject you, it is because they haven’t seen the real Emily beneith the muck yet.
That struck me. Of course God wouldn’t make me a person of candy coating and muck. Yes I have had hard circumstances, and yes they have hurt me in strange mental ways that make me feel inferior to your average strong-hearted Joe. That is my layer of muck. But I can’t let that muck sufficate the real Emily benieth it.
That is why I am writing this blog post. Hard decision #1. I am being honest about my layer of muck. Honest to everyone.