A Lot to Think About

I am much more reasonable by daylight.

The sun sets. Everyone goes to bed, but I am awake, awake, awake, and so discontented.

I know that I should not be discontented. Most of the time I’m not, like during the day when everything is nice and beautiful and half-full. But at night I feel very melodramatic and really start to think about everything in my life that is going wrong.

  • Pieces of my heart are scattered all over. There are Oregon people, Redmond people, Colorado people, Annie People, SMBI people, Virginia people, and what is the point? No matter how much I love them I will always go away, and that will be the end. All I have to show for it are a few more facebook friends.
  • My notebooks are in Colorado. It is impossible to explain why that is so hard.
  • I have no future. I never have a future. I never know where I’ll be living in several months. I want to know so badly.
  • On a similar note, I can never stop depending on my parent’s money for survival.
  • I cannot write a novel. This torments me day and night. I have a pen. That’s it. The only thing that could even begin to solve my future-and-money problems. But it won’t obey me. I tell it to write and it writes dreams. It writes about why orange is one of my favorite colors even though I don’t like it so much as some colors that aren’t my favorite. It writes feelings, maybe, feelings and frustrations. But it won’t write a novel.
  • I want to go to college. I want to learn things. I want to major in digital media communications and minor in creative writing. I know that is the stupidest thing to want right now. For one thing, digital media communications? For a Mennonite girl? Excuse me? May I ask why you want to major in digital media communications? How pointless!
    For another thing, I have no money. And besides that, the cheapest rates are for residents but I am an Oregon resident and Oregon makes me sick.
    Nevertheless, I want it. I want it and I don’t really know why, or else can’t think of the words to describe why.
  • I will always get sick.
    Case in point: I am sick right now.
    I can’t beat it.
    Once I wrote a song. It went like this:

    Boy won’t they be surprised when I beat my sickness
    Boy won’t they be surprised when I win

    Another time I wrote a song that had a line like, “I wanna say, go away, don’t you ever come back.” But the rest of the song escapes me, and I don’t have it on hand. It is in a notebook.

    Or another time there was a poem that went…

    You really have your claws in deep
    I try to get away
    But you just won’t let go

    Here we go again
    With the same old thing
    I think I’m getting better, but…
    Never mind!

    I’m talking about my sickness in all three. I always think of sickness as an enormous being in my life with tremendous power, which I can never beat. Never. I read Psalms, and verses saying things like “don’t let my enemy triumph over me.” To me that is sickness. That enemy with all that power. Sickness. West Nile. Headache. Whatever.

    I can never be completely free from it.

  • My sickness induced insomnia has me thinking of the nastyish elements of my life which perhaps it is best to not think about too much. I am much more reasonable by daylight. Nothing is quite so lonely and empty when there is sunlight and cousins.

8 responses to “A Lot to Think About

  1. *Hug* I know from experience that illness induced insomnia is miserable, but this is a beautiful, well written post.


  2. It was so nice to meet you in Va. when you were with Jessica. You can count me as one of your friends! Praying for you.


  3. Just wanted to encourage you to keep being real and keep writing!! God be with you today and always.


  4. Hey, there are a couple guys from our youth group going to Canyon City, CO this month. Maybe they could pick up your notebooks for you if someone could connect them? (Nothing like volunteering someone else but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t mind to do it)


  5. Your not less reasonable at night, Emily…your more real! Wish hugs could make things all better, really do. but instead I’m going to pray. Pray that instead of having your heart scattered it would just get bigger and bigger to fit eveything…….


  6. A digital media communications degree for a Mennonite girl is pointless? Nonsense!! I don’t know what all can be done with a degree in digital media communications, but who knows how God could use a Mennonite lady in the digital media communications field?

    I think you should go to college!! Have you considered making an appeal to a local college for local tuition rates? I’d bet that with your gift of writing you could write a pretty convincing appeal for in-state tuition. They do make exceptions sometimes.

    And apply for scholarships. Many scholarship applications require essays. Use your gift of writing and blow their socks off. Give them no choice but to award you with lots of scholarships. Colleges often have scholarships available as well.

    I’ll leave you with something that gave me encouragement when I was feeling down about my choice of major. I was surrounded by people majoring in education, nursing, music, etc., and they all seemed so much more noble than my major. And then the speaker at the event said, “All of life is ministry.” And it can be–even digital media communications!


  7. I agree with Sharon. Often the more expensive a college is, the more scholarships and grants they have to offer as well. Don’t be scared away by the sticker price before you take a closer look. Contact an admissions counselor or a professor in several digital media programs. Tell them about your situation and what you’ve done. Ask them about the program and affordability. Or you could just take one course at a local college (like first-year English) and see how it goes.

    For years I doubted I was smart enough or rich enough for college, but now I’m teaching college courses. It’s not easy, but it’s totally doable. I can’t wait to see what adventure you have next!


  8. Dear friend, I miss you…your creative ideas, ever present smile… I just now got a chance to read your blog. so sorry… 😦 I just now entered all the SMBI emails into my contact list and noticed your blog was in the impressions. Thanks for sharing how you felt. I love you girl, and am seriously praying for you that God will show the way clearly for your future…. *HUG*


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