Cast of Characters:
Me (Age 21)
Ben (Age 18)
Steven (Age 17)
Jenny (Age 12)
Omitted from this are my siblings Matt, 25, and Amy, 23. They were both out of the house most of last year so I didn’t get quotes from them.
And now, without further ado…
A Year of Family Quotes
Steven: I’m not a wedding expert dude thingy! Don’t ask me!
Jenny: What’s this book about? A girl discovers that she is actually a princess so she is excited at first but then she has to do all this stuff she doesn’t like?
Me: Um, yes. Did you read the book?
Jenny: No, I looked at the picture on the cover.
Mom: Do you guys like your cookies to be chewy?
Ben: I prefer my cookies to be more Han Solo.
Me: (whiney voice to my laptop) Why are you not connected to the internet?
Jenny: Emily, you’re annoying me.
Me: It’s just my voice. It annoyed me too.
Jenny: You’re also squishing me.
(later, after I had laughed and repeated her lines)
Jenny: You’re going to put that on facebook now, aren’t you?
Me: Do you want me too?
Jenny: NO!! YES!!! I love the publicity!
Me: (to Jenny) Hey Schnitzelbonk! (I thought it was an endearment, like “cupcake”)
Jenny: Why did you just called me a “workbench” in Dutch?
Me: Mom do you want more fabric?
Mom: That’s like asking Michael Jackson if he wants more drugs.
Jenny bought some crickets at a pet store, but she ultimately decided to let them go, and save the carrier they came in for a “bug abode.”
Me: Why would you want to keep bugs when they have a nice home outside?
Jenny: I might want to observe their behavior.
Me: Did you observe the behavior of the crickets?
Jenny: Well, I noticed that they like to hide. And they poop a lot.
Mom: (looks at me with big eyes, like she’s just discovered the secret of the universe) I guess if you just take facts, and embellish them any way you want, you can write a story!
Steven: If Spencer married you, I’d shoot him.
Me: No you wouldn’t! Spencer’s a nice guy.
Ben: I’m like a walking wikipedia. I may not always have very good sources but I seem to know a lot.
Jenny: If I were like, weird, and not a Christian, I would whack your butt.
Me: Jenny, do you like all books?
Jenny: (thinks for a bit) No, I didn’t like Ben-Hur.
Jenny: It wouldn’t take as much make-up to make you look like a vampire.
Me: Um, thanks?
Jenny: I guess that didn’t really sound like a compliment.
Steven: (squeezing his water bottle) Hey look! The water’s heaped up! I’m heaping water!
Me: You’ve never seen water heaped up before?
Steven: Yes I have! I’m just showing you the science of magic!
Dad: So, do you think you could help me out in school on Monday October 31’st?
Me: Sure. Can I wear a costume?
Dad: Why? Because it’s Valentines Day?
Me: Steven, you’re weird.
Steven: Your face is weird.
Me: Your…hands are weird.
Steven: My hands?
Me: Yeah. They’re half black and half white.
Steven: (doing jazz hands) Showtime!!!
Dinner conversation at the Smuckers, Act 1, scene 1
Steven: What’s a Zombie’s favorite food?
Me: Oh, I get it! Grave-ee.
Ben: That was really lame.
Steven: Just popped into my head.
Dad: I’m lost.
Ben: That thing was chunky.
Me: What was?
Ben: The half-and-half. It was half liquid and half solid.
(Jenny and I are talking, mom is getting annoyed.)
Mom: Can’t you two like, write notes or something?
Jenny: Uh, you mean text, right?
Mom: Ben, did you know you were baby Jesus one time?
Ben: Is that when you first started to see my great acting talent?
Jenny: Ben was baby Jesus?? Where?
Dorcas Smucker: At Birchwood Christian School, at Dryden.
Ben: I was an AWESOME baby Jesus! I tore it up as Baby Jesus! I OWNED that role!
Steven:It’s gonna beep!
Fire alarm: Beep, beep, beep!!!
Me: Steven, what did you push??
Steven: There’s a fire! Hee hee hee
Me: (very annoyed) Steven, WHAT DID YOU PUSH?
Steven: I pushed your buttons.
Mom: Paul, the ceiling’s leaking again, can you go holler at Steven in the shower?
Mom: (Bursting into my room, waving a newspaper in my face) The newspapers are full of RAVE REVIEWS!!
Me: Wha…? There’s a review of our play in the newspaper?
Mom: No, I just feel like that’s what would happen in a movie.
Mom: You know you’re truly in a Mennonite home when you need a booster seat for your child and they pull out the Martyr’s Mirror to sit on.
Me: Today someone asked me if I have a serious boyfriend.
Aunt Barb: And you said, “no, I have a funny one?”
Me: (facebook stalking girls at EBI) Well, *confidential name* looks cute.
Ben: Are you saying that just because she likes 7 Brides for 7 brothers?
Me: I’m feeling apprehensive.
Jenny: (whispering) Tell me what that means and I’ll feel sorry for you!
Me: Watch out for that car!
Steven: Oh, that’s the same lady I cut off before.
Me: She probably hates you by now.
Steven: I love her.
Jenny: What would it be like to get a tongue transplant? Everything would taste different.
Mom: You’re long waisted.
Steven: What does that mean?
Mom: It means if you were a woman you’d be lucky because you’d be able to breathe during your pregnancy.
Dad: Hey, maybe we’ll have a sunny day today!
Jenny: No we won’t. I saw a low-hanging cumulonimbus cloud.
Me: Why do you have to be so smart??
Jenny: And there’s a strong South wind.
Ben: (talking about EBI in an exaggerated British Accent) You go outside one day, and say, “By George, it smells like oil!” Then you go outside another day and say, “Great Scott, it smells like turkey farms!”
Me: (flipping through the JCPenny catalogue) Hey Ben, wanna lend me 100 bucks that I won’t pay back?
Ben: Well, I think I’ll have to pass on that offer.
Me: But you’d get to see me walk around in such pretty clothes!
Ben: It would be a bad return on investment.
Ben: Are you writing in your journal?
Ben: I’ll bet if I stole it, someday it would be worth as much as the diary of Anne Frank.
Me: Awwwwww that’s such a nice thing to say!
Ben: But you’d have to die within the next three months in some tragic way.
Me: Its weird how close that camp is to civilization. I mean, its just right outside of town.
Ben: Well I don’t know, some people wouldn’t consider Sweet Home to be “civilization.”
That’s all for today, folks. Tune in tomorrow for another episode of The Famous Nobodies!