What Keeps Me Awake at Night

I suppose I have lists so ingrained in my system that I cannot possibly post without making a list of some sort. Just one of my quirky quirks I guess, but by the end of this post (or this list) you will see that it isn’t my quirkiest quirk.

THREE THINGS THAT KEEP ME AWAKE AT NIGHT

1. Fear of forgetting my past.

2. Fear of living a life that isn’t worth remembering.

3. Blogging in my head.

First quirky quirk: I am obsessed with remembering my past. I don’t know why. But last night I couldn’t fall asleep until I could remember what happened every single year of my life from my first memory of my third birthday, and I freaked out because I couldn’t remember what happened when I was eight.

Yearbooks, old diaries, and old notebooks should be off-limits to me after 10:00 pm, because once I dive into them I get obsessed, and I cannot go to bed until I figure out what year I liked which guy and what month I switched from one crush to another and compare the spans of time on each and make a chart and understand which guy I liked more and which was just a passing silly fancy.

I am legitimately afraid of forgetting my past. I will tell you why: If I forget a span of time, it feels like that time never existed, which is scary, like that watch in that old Odyssey story that would let you skip ahead in time. That episode always freaked me out.

Quirky quirk number two: I am afraid of living a life that isn’t worth remembering. Last summer, for instance, I worked at a grocery story. Now, just a year later, I can’t really remember anything significant that happened last summer. As I mentioned before, THAT FREAKS ME OUT. So this summer I go to bed after a boring day and lie awake, afraid that next summer I won’t remember this summer because it will be nothing.

The third quirky quirk:  I lie awake at night blogging in my head. This is a huge time waster, but it’s so hard to stop. After the whole “freaking out because I can’t remember what happened when I was eight” incident last night, I thought I could blog about it, and so I lay awake writing this post in my head. Multiple times. What a terrible idea.

Especially because this morning a fly found my face attractive, so every time I tried to go back to sleep it would wake me up again, and I got no extra sleep compensation for the time spent obsessing about memories and head blogging.

Okay. Question time. Am I completely weird here or do any of you guys struggle with a fear of having sections of  your life that you can’t really remember?

And also, does anyone else stay awake at night blogging in their head?

Thank you for your input.

The Quirk

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4 responses to “What Keeps Me Awake at Night

  1. For fear of making that we will never be friends, I will refrain from saying, “We have so much in common.” Because isn’t that annoying when people say, “I think you will be great friends because you both…” etc. etc., and then there’s an awkward silence and we try to wade through conversations that just don’t GO.

    But not remembering sections of your life? Maybe not quite as terrifying as you find it, but pretty bad anyway. See, last year I went through being depressed, discovering I was depressed, and then recovering from depression. There are large holes in my memories of last year. It’s a thought that both terrifies and relieves me.

    And I blog in my head. Constantly. It just has trouble actually making it onto the blog.

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  2. Dear Emily,
    I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you. As you age you may not remember anything remarkable about vast quantities of your life. You may forget people that you knew years ago. You may not remember visiting towns, restaurants, events, or who-gave-you-what-gifts last Christmas. As the years increase there is just too much information to recall. It overloads the brain. Make the most of every day that you are blessed with. Then you may find comfort in always remembering that you did just that.

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  3. The blogging in my head thing, I do it all the time…

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  4. I come up with great blogs in my head when I can’t sleep at night, taking time to figure out just the right words and phrases. Of course by the time I get around to actually putting it down, I’m disappointed in the post because the one in my head was so much more interesting and amusing. So here’s something to worry about: reaching the advanced age of 53 and being unable to remember your thoughts from just the previous night!

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